Thursday, April 19, 2007

Save the Broccoli! Save Us!

What does it take for a nation of hypnotized sheep to wake up to the truth? Even when our college campuses start looking like the set of Blood Simple, we are only too happy to hit the snooze button.

It’s not that people are short of ideas. To purchase pellets for your air rifle, you must place in the 95th percentile of GMAT. Anyone who has ever thrown a dish or kicked a stalled car in rage goes into 20 years solitary with immediate effect. Mandatory kung fu lessons in Calculus 101. Fuck the patriarchy – castrate all the bastards in kindergarten. Cover penis enlargement drugs in Medicaid. The list of deluded, recycled, asinine ideas just goes on and on.

The simple truth is that the spiraling violence and disintegration of society has everything to do with the suppression of the broccoli that has been going on for years now. The ranching-industrial complex and its lobbyists in Washington have deprived us of vital bodily vitamins, which has given rise to alienation, rage and stupor. You won’t hear it on CNN or Fox News, those stooges of the Texas cattle lobby and the Kentucky chicken killers, but knowledgeable people will tell you that the spread of our spiritual and bodily cancers has everything to do with broccoli deprivation.

Guns don’t kill people. Cafetaria menus do.

How deep do the roots of this conspiracy go? You be the judge.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Easter egg (on my face)

Some time back, I was looking up some Intelligent Design folks on the web, which took me to William Dembski’s website. He is usually touted as a mathematician, but has a second Ph,D in theology, and teaches in a seminary. His website has one or two math papers, and scores of articles on Christian theology and ID. Fun stuff.

Here is a piece that tackles the problem of natural evil. The problem, if you recall, is why an omnipotent and benevolent God allows natural disasters that cause us suffering. Human evil can be blamed on us, not God, but what about earthquakes and floods?

According to Dembski, the root of natural evil also lies in the Fall – Adam’s transgression in the Garden. But Dembski is an intellectual, not a hick, so he doesn’t buy into young earth creationism. The earth, along with its tendency towards catastrophic convulsions, was created long before man. How could the effect precede the cause, then?

Well, God being omniscient, had foreknowledge of the original sin. The rest follows by application of divine pedagogy, a la Pat Robertson. He wanted to erect a nature that would mirror the corruption and evil in us, so that we are chastened sooner and learn the error of our ways. God practiced pre-crime!

On this holy weekend, as we remember and repent the killing of our savior, let us not lose sight of a fact no less important than the Resurrection.

The dinosaurs died for our sins too!!

Sorry T-Rex. We owe you a chocolate statue.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Hats Off, Mr. President

President Ahmadinejad, that is.

Surely it will be naïve to accept the official version that the release of the captured Brits owes much to the milk of human kindness flowing in Tehran. That sort of fairy tale is doled out for the consumption of rabid mullahs and peacenik hippies.

If you are the type who takes his Jim Beam straight and reads his Foreign Affairs armed with a yellow marker, you’d have seen through the charade even before the networks trotted out their experts. The Iranians buckled because Blair, with quiet fury, delivered the promise of an ass kicking that would have made Karbala look like a Sunday camel race.

Having determined the results of the battle, let’s look at the war, shall we? The Iranian leadership has been portrayed as craved maniacs filled with such irrational hatred of the west that quaint Cold War notions of deterrence are rendered completely inapplicable. This is why, the argument goes, their nukular ambitions must be halted at all costs.

What kind of craved maniac releases soldiers of Satan because Downing Street faxes over some choice Oxbridge expletives? Answer: probably the same kind that can keep their nukes in their pockets, to be used as bargaining chips and defensive last resorts, lest Tehran be returned to the stone age.

The Blair-Bush team would have secured a far greater PR victory if they deliberately botched the release and dragged out a hostage crisis. Instead, they swallowed the poison pawn, and handed Tehran the image it was seeking -- a tough but rational actor.

Mr. Ahmadinejad, welcome to the nukular club. Please hand your coat to the attendant and keep your slobbering kisses to yourself.

Poll (for the ladies only): bad boy or cutie pie?

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Email Shock

I am used to getting weird stuff in my Inbox from time to time, but this one really spooked me out. Best if I just c&p the text:
Dear blogger

Thank you for showing your readers to my blog. I strongly believe in the use of technology for raising consciousness, truth and peace between people of nations. With your help, we can defeat forces of lies and deception.

May the blessings of Almighty God (praise be upon him) be with you.


Mahmood Ahmadinejad.

Could be some kind of auto response generated by my link to his blog. Let’s see if it works again.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Against Blogging

I love web people, but I hate bloggers. I believe the politically correct term is Autopublished Americans, but who cares? This is my living room, and I can say whatever the hell I please.

Bloggers can’t hold a regular posting job at any moderated message board. They have a problem with authority. You’ll find them prowling their own ghettoes, selling crackpot theories and producing illegitimate memelings by the thousands. They are organized in gangs whose members must constantly display loyalty and renew their links to each other. Huge swathes of the internet have been scorched by the ravages of gangland warfare of bloggers.

The other day I was surfing, and came across Mahmoud’s blog. Man, what a steaming pile of howling, incoherent, semi-literate invective against whatever cyber enemy this bloke is fighting at the moment:
We all deplore injustice, the trampling of people’s rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings. We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty… You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it.

I managed to trace his opponent to a blog called The White House, just as hilarious an outpouring of trash talking swagger and juvenile bravado. Don’t these creeps ever crawl out of their parents’ basement to see what’s going on in the world around them? I bet if you pulled them out of their safe cyber holes into daylight, all this flaming aggression will dissolve into whimpering submission. Pixel tigers, all.