Thursday, April 19, 2007

Save the Broccoli! Save Us!

What does it take for a nation of hypnotized sheep to wake up to the truth? Even when our college campuses start looking like the set of Blood Simple, we are only too happy to hit the snooze button.

It’s not that people are short of ideas. To purchase pellets for your air rifle, you must place in the 95th percentile of GMAT. Anyone who has ever thrown a dish or kicked a stalled car in rage goes into 20 years solitary with immediate effect. Mandatory kung fu lessons in Calculus 101. Fuck the patriarchy – castrate all the bastards in kindergarten. Cover penis enlargement drugs in Medicaid. The list of deluded, recycled, asinine ideas just goes on and on.

The simple truth is that the spiraling violence and disintegration of society has everything to do with the suppression of the broccoli that has been going on for years now. The ranching-industrial complex and its lobbyists in Washington have deprived us of vital bodily vitamins, which has given rise to alienation, rage and stupor. You won’t hear it on CNN or Fox News, those stooges of the Texas cattle lobby and the Kentucky chicken killers, but knowledgeable people will tell you that the spread of our spiritual and bodily cancers has everything to do with broccoli deprivation.

Guns don’t kill people. Cafetaria menus do.

How deep do the roots of this conspiracy go? You be the judge.

60 comments:

Justoffal said...

What ever happened to good old fashioned moral teaching?? Respect for life? Decent values??

Somebody has a sugar dump in th middle of the day and they go off and shoot up the workplace or the University?

Keifus said...

Clearly, kids today need a little more religious instruction.

Michael Daunt said...

So...re: your Dr. Evil question.

1. Do I have my mojo or not have my mojo? If I have my mojo, then [karate chop] - if not, then;

2. Do I have my Walther PPK, or do I not have my PPK? If I have my PPK, then woe to the henchmen - if not, then;

3. I wait for Dr. Evil to leave me and my 99 lovers alone to die, then devise a cunning escape plan, while dropping a few witticisms [cocked eyebrow] "Shocking end", that type of thing.

Gregor Samsa said...

JO: Well, yeah.

Keifus: Like your logo.

Schad: I am going back to Geoff. At least he didn’t sweet talk and give me a necklace one day and take it back the next (think Fish Called Wanda). With him it was always like “Shut up and do your chores, womyn! I’ll get the movie tickets if I want.”

Michael Daunt said...

That is so tragic. Slate, backed by the largest software company on earth, is a serial technical failurist, but gets your undying loyalty, while I have only one (and I got it over with on my first day), and lose you forever?

There is no god.

Gregor Samsa said...

Well, okay. I have always said size matters, but the software probablems are indeed a turn-off. Let's just say just cuz I'm still married doesn't mean I can't play.

twiffer said...

somehow, i feel my preference for asparagus is partly to blame.

Archaeopteryx said...

“I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”--George Herbert Walker Bush.

Coincidence? I think not.

topazz said...

As a former professional cafeteria lunch lady, I take umbrage at your suggestion that school cafeteria lunch programs may be to blame for kids who go off the deep end in school. Although at the same time I have to say, you may have a point. I ran the cafeteria at my kids' school for 4 years, and did the sensible thing; i.e. contracted outside caterers to cook & serve lunch every day.

Unfortunately, you can't find those kindly old fashioned moms and grandmoms of yesteryear who used to volunteer one morning a week to cook nutritious school lunches for the little darlins.

Nooooo, and why, you ask? Why, they're too busy with their careers, or meeting men in chatrooms. And that's just the grandmothers.

Bite said...

If you are going to have your own blog, the least you could do is post on it at least a couple of times a week.

Your readers insist on it.

Michael Daunt said...

Two months without a post...and counting...

Maybe this blogging thing isn't for you?

Gregor Samsa said...

Not to make excuses, but for the better part of last month, I was abducted by aliens. Fcuking morons don't even have internet connection.

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